Being Present

Being present is something hippies talk about a lot, to the point that it almost loses its meaning.

It’s something my therapist tells me.  Be present.  Feel what you are feeling.  Don’t push it away.

It’s something that comes up in meditation – to neither push nor pull at your internal self, but just sit with what’s there.

But, what’s it really about?  What’s it value?  I don’t know, not being an enlightened person myself.  Yet I get this sense that every moment has this unique feeling, similar perhaps, but never exactly like another.  As a child, everything was new and I experienced all these firsts, these feelings, and I didn’t think twice about them because I had nothing to compare them to.  As I got older, I expected things to feel the same as they used to and I often felt disappointment when they did not.

I suppose part of being present is accepting some of the things you felt you won’t ever feel again.  It’s sad, but if you don’t accept that, every thing you feel will always be tainted with this regret or nostalgia.  If you don’t have that regret, there’s no reason why what you feel in the future can’t be as wonderful as what you felt in the past even if it’s different.

The other part, though, for me, is that sometimes my thoughts can feel very similar.  Particularly negative thoughts.  Depression is about having this ever present inescapable terrible feeling.  You have the same thoughts over and over, which trigger the similar feelings over and over.  Often, it’s “why am I so sad?”, “what’s wrong with me?” and “why can’t I just be happy?”

But, part of getting over depression is just allowing yourself to feel different things even if they’re sad, not necessarily trying to force yourself to be happy.  I felt pretty bad after losing my job, but every day the way I felt a little different.  Within a few weeks I stopped feeling sad.  Every day i moved a little bit.  I am still moving.  I am happy now, but I don’t know where I’ll be in another month.  And that’s ok, happy is ok, sad is ok.  Trapped – trapped is problematic.

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